Actors who are objectively way cooler than Chuck Norris!

or

What's the big deal with that Chuck Norris guy anyway-- OH MY GOD THERE HE IS!!!

Oh, Mr. Norris. The Bearded Fury Himself.

If you've been on the internet at all in the last ten years or so (or at least know someone who has, square) you may be aware of all the hype surrounding this hairy fellow. Yes, baby-boomers have surely been scratching their heads for the last decade, puzzled over those crazy kids making a fuss over who they've always considered to be the poor man's Bruce Willis. And for this shameful ignorance they have paid with their lives, punished by Chuck Norris...

Okay, I promise that this article will not be populated with CN jokes, or "facts" as they are commonly described. The truth is, Norris is a human being like anybody else, capable of flaws, failures, and foibles inherently common to our species. I mean, if you just type in "chuck" in Google search, his name is a full 4 results down. 4 results! Can't be that big of a deal... 

Shit, you know he heard that.

I don't think I really need to mention the overall quality of his resume, or actual facts about his personal beliefs - such as his staunch support of the ban on gay marriage or his request to "Keep the Gays out of the Boy Scouts." Quality human being, right there.
But I'm hear to judge him solely from an entertainment perspective, so forgive that one emotional transgression. And honestly, I don't get it. Neither does Chuck apparently: As early as 2005, the so-called "Chuck Norris facts" have dominated the internet, from entire websites devoted to the Church of Norris, to jokes from across the media spectrum and into our daily conversations. Want be a hit at the party with little to no effort at all? Simply memorize as many of these jokes as possible beforehand and whip them out at the perfect time. Don't know what time that is? Not to worry, fair mortal! The Gospel of Norris needs no opportune time to grace the rest of us with your hilarity!
In all seriousness, I'm glad that this meme has more-or-less faded considerably since its heyday years ago, when it seems you couldn't go anywhere without hearing this nonsense. But in my expansive interest in facts about Hollywood and the like, I can't understand why other actors are being snubbed in the meme department in lieu of Chuck I-turned-into-a-bear-once Norris.
So here's my nominations for the actors (or actresses) that are far more meme-worthy, compared to a man who probably rates behind Steven Seagal in awesome factor (and that ain't saying much either.)

1. Samuel L. Jackson

That is not a face you fuck with.

Facts:

1.    Mr. Jackson had a bit of a speech impediment when he was but a lad. He learned to combat his stuttering by incorporating the word motherfucker repeatedly in his vocabulary.

2.    Was an usher at Martin Luther King Jr.'s funeral at the age of 19.

3.    While perhaps not the best to decisions, in 1969 Jackson and a group of his college peers held hostage the Board of Trustees for Morehouse College in an act of protest, and to demand reform for curriculum and the school's governance. Years later he returned to the college to get his Bachelor of Arts in Drama. Like a boss.

4.    An impressive resume of onscreen deaths by no less than:

 - Velociraptors

 - Giant genetically-enhanced sharks

 - Racially-confused Gary Oldman 

 - Motherfuckin' Batman!! (well, okay just Michael Keaton)

 - A Sith Lord

 - The Deadly Viper Assassination Squad

 - And Joe Pesci

5.    Has been a Jedi Lord, THE Agent of Shield, a frequent Tarantino collaborator, Vin Diesel AND Ice Cube's boss, played Shaft, (yeah that Shaft), beat Bruce Willis in a battle-of-wits as a handicapped person, and imprisoned Christina Ricci.
6.    Has a clause in his acting contracts saying that he must be within a decent distance from a golf course no matter the shooting location (what?)
7.    He's had it with those fucking snakes. 

Aw, they better put me in the Afro Samurai live-action movie, goddamnit. 

2. Ron Perlman

Facts:

1.    Went through the usual 4+ hours of makeup for Hellboy...in order to fulfill a Make-A-Wish by hanging out with a six-year-old boy with leukemia for a day.

2.    Won a Golden Globe for playing the Beast. Like from Beauty and the Beast. Badass.

3.    Is mainly left-handed, meaning the role of Hellboy was practically written for him.

4.    Was good friends with Sammy Davis Jr...plus has affinities for golf, jazz, pool and cigar-smoking. So basically, if he was born 20 years earlier he probably could've been a member of The Rat Pack

5.    Was the voice of Deathstroke the Terminator; Clayface, Bane, Killer Croc and Batman! Oh and Bruce Banner/The Hulk. 

6.    Has faced off against: all manner of demons and such (5 times as Hellboy), Blade, Xenomorphs (and lived), Kaiju (and lived!), Afro Samurai, the Teen Titans, and Ryan Gosling (he sadly did not live.)

Oh, you get my vote buddy.

3. Sigourney Weaver

Sold.

Facts:

1.    Took her stage name Sigourney from a minor character in The Great Gatsby.

2.    Was reportedly 5'11'' tall at the age of 14. So she probably could've kicked my ass at that age.

3.     Voted #20 of Channel 4's 100 Greatest Movie Stars of All Time, one of only two women in the top 20 (the other being Audrey Hepburn.)

4.    3-time Academy Award nominee, 7-time Golden Globe Nominee.

5.    Faced off against: Xenomorphs (constantly), Those We Don't Speak Of, The Ancient Ones, Gozer the Gozerian, Vigo the Carpathian, and Shia LeBeouf.

Again, yes please!!

4. Brad Dourif

Facts:
1.    His (arguably) debut role in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest earned him a Golden Globe, a British Academy Award and an Oscar Nomination.
2.    Was set to play The Scarecrow in Batman Forever, before Tim Burton left the project.
3.     During the filming of Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, several of his (British) co-stars believed him to be British as well due to his flawless in-character accent. Bernard Hill, who played King Theoden and is incidentally English as well, heard Dourif speak in his native American accent after filming was over and thought it was "the worst American accent I've ever heard."
4.    Was considered for Robert De Niro's role in the remake of Cape Fear.
5.    Has faced off against: Scully and Mulder, Xenomorphs (sweet jesus!), Nurse Ratched, The House Atreides, Gandalf the White, Michael Myers, and Al "cocksucker" Swearengen. 

Hey, whatever floats your boat, pal.

5. Lance Henriksen

*smolder.

Facts:

1.    Dropped out of school at the age of twelve, didn't fully learn to read until he was 30, and he did this by studying film scripts.

2.    James Cameron originally envisioned the role of The Terminator for Henriksen, which by the way came to him in a nightmare. Though the role eventually went to Big Arnie, Henriksen played a minor role in the film. He was also the inspiration for the monster in Jeepers Creepers.

3.    Holds the distinction of being of only 2 actors to killed onscreen by a Terminator, Predator, and a Xenomorph; the other being Bill Paxton.

4.    During the filming of Near Dark, in which he played the leader of a pack of roving vampires, Henriksen drove cross-country to the film production, picking up hitchhikers and scaring the piss out of them by acting like he would really drink their blood. He also lost a considerable amount of weight during that role to appear more emaciated, to the point that he threw his back out while walking down the stairs.

5.    Has faced off against: The aforementioned Terminator, Predator, and Xenomorph (goddamnit!), Damien the Antichrist, killer Pirahnas, Pumpkinhead, Jean Claude Van Damme, Gene Hackman, Johnny Depp, Superman, and Sasquatch

Okay, I give! You win!

6. Peter Cushing

That should pretty much sum that up. Also worth mentioning:

1.    Since the knee-high boots that came with his uniform for Star Wars were too tight and uncomfortable, Cushing wore fluffy slippers around the set. Carrie Fisher said that her scenes with him were very difficult due to the fact that he was so kind and charming off camera. Although the onscreen character is responsible for the murder of her entire home planet, Fisher found it nearly impossible to act with disdain for the man. 

I am so gellin'.

7. Christopher Lee

There he is. The man who made Dracula sexy again. While a prolific and respected actor, many people are completely unaware of his total awesomeness, both on and off the screen.

The Facts:

1.    Was constantly beaten in school, though he accepted this as "logical and therefore acceptable" punishments since he was a troublemaker.

2.    His first acting role was as Rumpelstiltskin.

3.    Served in the Royal Air Force, and even performed intelligence work. Also tripped over a live bomb and lived.

4.    Close friends with Vincent Price and Peter Cushing, the latter of which he appeared in over twenty films with. Also best buds with Ian McKellen.

5.    Before appearing in Lord of the Rings as Saruman, Lee was already an immense fan of Tolkien's works, reading the titular series annually.

6.    Turned down the role of Dr. Loomis in Halloween, which he refers to as one of his biggest regrets.

7.    Speaks fluent English, Italian, French, Spanish and German, and moderately proficient in Swedish, Russian and Greek. 

8.    Has been seen as: Frankenstein's Monster, The Mummy, Rasputin, Sherlock Holmes, Dracula (dozens of times), a Bond villain, Saruman the White, Count Dooku, Willy Wonka's dad, and The Jabberwocky (!)

9.    Has been a heavy metal musician for some time, serving among other projects as the lead vocalist of the Italian symphonic power-metal band Rhapsody of Fire. His own music project released a complete metal album called Charlemagne: By the Sword and the Cross, making him the oldest performer in metal history.

10.    Last but not least, Christopher Lee is 92 years old, still active with no plans to retire from acting, music or otherwise. And he also has a badass beard! Take that, Chuck!

Yeah, you know Chuck Norris just shit himself.

Thanks for reading!

The Dreaded Adaptation: Part I

Adaptations,

And why they are so difficult....apparently

Introduction

Ya know, after a title like that, you may have a hard time believing that I've never really been a huge stickler when it comes to adapting stories or characters...that is, until fairly recently. To use an easy cliche, that being the ever-popular "There are two kinds of people in this world" variety, I often find myself in the category of watching the adaptation before reading the original property. What can I say, I just tend to prefer the visual medium sometimes, or just happen to catch the movie before reading the book, etc. And as a writer myself, I have the highest respect for writers who have to tackle the very daunting task of adapting a work into another medium i.e. film or television, therefore exposing it to a new audience with hit-or-miss results. Love a property all you want, as a writer this is never really what you might call a "fun" or easy thing to do. 

And while I've never found myself in the very volatile camp of fans that bemoan the adaptation as a whole, and cry out for their precious works and characters to never to be touched by ANYONE other than their original creators, since absolutely NO ONE could ever do better.....I have only one response: Star Wars.

While I don't think the prequel trilogy is the worst sequel/reboot ever, I'm not even just talking about them in particular. When was the last time you watched Return of the Jedi? I mean really, how long ago was it? 

Uh....it was, like, junior high, okay? Jedi Club 4 life.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Honestly, the real trouble with Star Wars started there, in my opinion. Ewok controversy aside...really? Another Death Star? Another space battle climax? Not to mention that with the exception of Mark Hamill, it appears that almost none of the other cast members gave a shit at this point. Carrie Fisher, Billy Dee Williams and Harrison Ford were probably all sauced out of their flying saucers just to make it on set. I swear to God, some scenes it looks like Ford forgets what he's doing standing next to a walking 6-foot-tall shag carpet.

Okay, seriously guys, where am I?

But all kidding aside, ROTJ could've been way better. Like "almost was directed by Steven Spielberg" better. No ridiculous kid-friendly elements thrown in, no rehash of the events we've already seen, no bored, stilted acting from players just waiting for this series to end so they can go on with their careers.

Star Wars was begging for someone other than George Lucas to take the reins. I love the guy, but let's face it...it needed to be out of his hands for a bit. 

So a few (16) years go by, and Star Wars gets itself a new epic prequel series...and who's gonna write and direct all 3? George Lucas...! Well, okay then. Honestly, George old bean, the last time around just seemed like an excuse to get Carrie Fisher into a bikini. You really think that this will be an improvement? 

Although, who could blame the guy.

The point is, the prequels taught us that sometimes, the creator has to hand his creation off to better and brighter minds. One person can only hold so much creativity for the same universe. And thankfully in 2016 we will get our wish.

But the nature of adaptation is still tricky when you put it into different hands: history has also shown us that often times, passing the torch to other "creative" minds can be disastrous. And I'm going to explore some of the most glaring examples, in my mind at least.

Case #1: Maleficent
or "Goddamn it, Disney!"

 

Even from the very start, this entry is making me tremble with fury. Just trying to find a picture for this monstrosity makes me want to throw my keyboard at the next living object I see. When going to Google an image for this section, I simply typed in the word "maleficent." Not "maleficent angelina jolie" or "maleficent 2014," just the character's name. And it takes a full 45 results until you get to this:

Yes, I counted them.

After 45 images of seeing this Angelina Jolie kick-to-the-nuts, you can finally get a look at the original character - and it's not even an image by herself, but a dual image of her next to the recent "reimagining." I don't know about you, but something about that is kind of maddening.

Sorry, I'm trying hard to stay on topic, as it were. But you have no idea how subtly the 2014 Disney reboot Maleficent crept up on me, and then swiftly sucker-punched me into fanboy fury. Truth be told, I was actually somewhat excited for this movie, I mean I really had some high hopes that it would be good, despite past efforts at dark, gloomy reboots of classic fairy tales, i.e. Snow White & the Huntsman, etc. I innocently popped in the Redbox rental of this jack-in-the-box of shit, completely unaware of the rage it would spawn in me that probably inspired me to write this article in the first place. 

Yeah, I'm talking to you, sweetie.

I think that the most important thing in adaptations, especially the omniscient variety of prequel/reboot/origin stories, is staying true to the heart of the story, or in this case, the heart of the character. Or in this case, NO FUCKING HEART AT ALL!!! AAAHH - 

Apologies, friends. To those of you not immediately familiar with the Disney classic Sleeping Beauty from 1959, it is one of the most masterful and impressive works from the studio to date, in my opinion. From the classic era of Disney, I think it's probably the best. From the terrific score, to the immaculate hand-painted backgrounds, fluid animation, and stellar voice acting and character design, it's pretty freakin' fantastic. 

And the standout element for many people from that movie, myself included, is the main villain, Maleficent, a rogue fairy and the Mistress of All Evil.

  

Aww, hell yeah.

Maleficent as a character has probably had the most lasting impact from the original, as many villains often do, and is partly the main reason most of us love and cherish the original. Not that it wasn't good anyway, but being from the Classic Disney era, Sleeping Beauty doesn't really break any boundaries, that's for sure. It is admittedly your standard, oft-parodied good vs. evil tale where the prince fights a dragon and rescues the princess. Magic, castles, fairies, the usual shtick, although it remains one of the most shining, prototypical examples in the genre. In truth, Maleficent really is the only interesting character, aside from the 3 main fairies. Princess Aurora herself, the prince, the royal family...not as memorable.

The thing that makes Maleficent so iconic, aside from her wicked-cool design, is her motivation; probably the most baffling of all famous villains, in that she seemingly has none. The closest we come to an explanation of why she sets the plot in motion with her evil plan is that she wasn't invited to a baby shower. That's it. And, goddamn it if that doesn't make her all the more threatening as a villain. She's just the Mistress of All Evil, no tragic backstory, no revenge plot (at least that makes any sense), no over-arching motivation. Some of the most effective villains are the ones with mysterious or unclear motives, for the audience and the characters within the story. This makes her unpredictable and altogether more scary simply because her evil deeds seem random and petty. She's just bad for the sake of being so.

Of course, decades later, mystery surrounding a character is, to a movie studio, code for: "This needs to be expanded upon! Why was ole' Maleficent so cranky anyways? Maybe someone was just really mean to her!" So basically, taking an epic tale of good vs. evil and injecting some modern-day complexity and moral quandaries...resulting in all the moral complexity of an after-school special.

Seriously, you can stop being so smug about it.

In Maleficent, from 2014, apparently the titular fairy used to be young, adorable, and goodhearted, at least until someone screwed her over. Already we're off to a wonderful start.

I can't be the only one who didn't want to see this. There's some trumped up conflict about the magical fairy land being next door neighbors to the human kingdom where Aurora's people live, so of course of the main themes of our updated tale has to be the hackneyed "Don't hate people/things that are different than you." Maleficent is almost instantly introduced as the crusader against the evil humans that besiege her home looking for treasure, because how else could we sympathize with her character? *sigh* Also thrown in is a doomed love/betrayal story with a human boy (who turns out to be Sleeping Beauty's father oddly enough), incidentally the loss of Maleficent's wings (wtf?) and her initial disdain but eventual love of Aurora by the end of the flick (WTF??!). 
There's a fine line between taking liberties with the original story's details - which I'm normally okay with, such is the nature of adaptation - and with writing a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT character all around and slapping the name "Maleficent" on it. This could've maybe been an interesting story on it's own (and I say again, maybe) but tacking the Sleeping Beauty story on top of it is confusing at best and insulting at worst. And  when the resulting reaction for anyone vaguely familiar with the original is "What the fuck am I watching?" you have to know that maybe you did something wrong, Disney.
As far as the movie goes as, well, just a movie: it stinks. Yeah, all story-faithfulness and adaptation aside, it's just awful, plain and simple. The overuse of CGI (especially on the 3 fairies) is horrendous, the script meandering and painfully bland, and most of the original characters vary from lifeless cardboard-cutouts of their original selves (Aurora, the Prince, the dead-on-arrival Queen) to grotesque, hateful caricatures (King Stefan, the 3 fairies, again.) It honestly makes me wonder if the writer(s) just simply had no love for the source material from the get-go. 
And finally, the Dame herself. When it was first announced that Angelina Jolie would be stepping into this role, I was initially skeptical, but then inexplicably excited soon after, probably from watching the trailer. I haven't been all too impressed with Jolie's acting in the past, but she certainly seems to give her all to most of her performances, even if that intense performance is always really the same person, if you know what I mean. When we think of Miss Jolie, we don't think "character actor." She's a movie star, not the best, not the worst. But after viewing the trailer I got optimistic in spite of myself, especially since it seemed she would be channeling the great Eleanor Audley, the original voice actress. And then, I watched the movie. I honestly don't blame Jolie herself, she sure tries to hit this character, the subtle malice, the wicked wit. But unfortunately there's only so much you could do with a script like this, and there's isn't much of Maleficent to begin with here. Not to mention many of Jolie's so-called "intense" moments simply consist of her shouting repeatedly in a hoarse bellow that seems really out of her comfort zone, to a very hammy degree. Jolie simply doesn't have the depth of voice and the nuance to touch even a shadow of this character, but if I had to pick the best, or least-worst thing about the film, it's probably her performance. For what that's worth.

Honestly, this trainwreck has to be seen to be believed, although I wish I could forget the experience altogether. It is especially sad because it was handled by its own original production company, who has had much more respect for its materials in the past. But I'm hard-pressed to think of a time when a story has been this fucked-up by its own caretakers. All I can say is: Disney, you had one job to do!!

Seriously, lady, have you no shame?!

Check out Part II!

Current movie review: Prisoners (2013) *no spoilers

"Prisoners"
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhaal, Viola Davis, Maria Bello, Terrence Howard, Melissa Leo, Paul Dano
Directed by: Denis Villeneuve


(Note: keep in mind that this movie clocks in at around 2 and a half hours, so forgive me if this review is a little long-winded.)

This has to be one of the darkest, bleakest and downright disturbing films I've seen for quite some time...and I'm all the happier for it.
Now, before you start to think there's something seriously wrong with me, let me explain.

Mick's Top 10: Best Stephen King Film adaptations (the SCARY ones)

Yeah, we all know this guy.

3 films from the 80's to check out (that you may not have seen)